Learning

It’s taken me years to learn and unlearn the things I know, college classes and articles and documentaries and discussions and lectures. Maybe this is also a privilege in and of itself, but I cannot fault a person I care about for being unlearned. If it were a stranger at the mall calling me a fat bitch, it’d be different. Them’s fighting words ALL DAY!!!!!! But I care about Liam, and I feel that I know enough about him to understand why he would say the things he’s said, why he would come to the conclusions he does, and why he’s upset about the things he is upset about. Does a beautiful, young, able-bodied, white, straight little boy with millions of dollars need empathy over you or me? I don’t know. But I think it’s unfair to give him no empathy at all. I care about him because he’s a part of my fandom, something that’s deeply personal to me. I worry about what happens to him

Liam Cont.

Continuing my rant from yesterday...Second of all, I didn’t even know until a few years ago that you could be fat and living life, you know? I thought there were only 2 options: thin or ashamed. I didn’t know you could be okay, even happy with being fat until I went on the internet and found out there was a community for that line of thinking. There’s no way I would ever expect Liam Payne to know any of this.

This is a personal choice, but I can’t fault Liam for not knowing things. We all know the only thing he’s read for the past 4 years of his life has been his twitter feed. Can you imagine what his twitter feed is, O LORD? CAN YOU? We all know he don’t know nothin about no one nohow. He doesn’t know where Japan is, but I’m sure he understands the connotations behind the phrase “family values”. He doesn’t know that comedic is a word, but I’m sure he understands the complexities of building up a positive body image. Yes, of course. Totally for sure. I think it’s unfair, with my knowledge of who I presume Liam Payne to be based upon his well-documented and widely-shared life experiences, to put the responsibility of knowing everything there is to know about being caring and sensitive to others on his shoulders. I think it’s unfair to expect perfection from him. I think it’s unfair to put him on such a high pedastal and to make him a pillar of your life and to turn around get angry at him when he doesn’t meet your unrealistic expectations of what it is to be a human being. I think it’s unfair to declare that he doesn’t need or deserve help just because he’s privileged in certain areas.

Dreaming

One day I stop and get coffee from a street vendor around the corner from the store and we slowly fall in love. We fight and bicker but we love each other. After weeks of bickering I finally convince him to move in with me above the store and after a while he proposes. We have a small wedding somewhere secluded with our closest friends and honeymoon in a log cabin just us for a few days. Years pass and we decide to make two big leaps at once. We buy out the shop next door and expand the bookstore to include a cafe while also looking into adoption. We being home an adorable kid and try to raise them the best we can. With the store, my friends, my love, and my child/children the years just keep adding up. I’m not happy all day everyday but I am happy everyday.

Laim

I know there are people out there who are angry with Liam for making a fat joke or for being insulted at being called fat because being fat isn’t a joke or, as our scout motto goes, FAT IS NOT AN INSULT!!! Well, anything is an insult if you say it the right way.

First of all, fat jokes make me LOL. I make fat jokes all the time. It’s a defense mechanism, the old CALL ATTENTION TO IT BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE DOES trick. I’ve been fat my whole life and I learned to make jokes as a way to survive within myself. We all make jokes about the way we look - you post a selfie and say you look like a pasty fish belly, that you look like you showered in hot dog water, that your undereye circles are black holes to the abyss, etc. We make jokes about our own appearances. If I make a joke about the way I look, am I also making a joke about the way you look? The way everyone looks? Was Liam making a joke about himself? Or was he making a joke about you? I guess that’s for to you decide, but for me, I’ll allow it. It doesn’t hurt my feelings, but I can understand if it hurts yours.

Sexuality

When a friend confides in me about their sexuality and clearly aren’t anywhere near ready to be open about their sexual preferences, I keep it to my fucking self. I don’t even mention them anonymously on the internet, because I respect people’s private lives, their struggle with sexuality/gender identity, and the fact that when someone confides in me in regards to something so personal, they expect me to keep my damn mouth shut about it.

And shame on you if you think telling quirky stories about your “closeted friend” could serve as a great ice breaker or popular text post on the internet.

Humans

Most of the time i think a lot about just the complete and utter improbability of human existence
like, humans literally started out with nothing, no matter what religion you are or what your theories of evolution are, but look at how far we've come we are literally on the brink of discovering new technology that could completely revolutionize human interactions or human exploration in just what a span of however many thousands of years you believe it to be.
And yet despite all this we still have a lot of hate, a lot of war, a lot of hunger and poverty
at any moment the entirety of the human race could be annihilated in a nuclear holocaust, but the most important thing is “fuck, i forgot my homework again!” or “oh man I’m a minute late to work my boss is gonna kill me.”
Somehow I just find it incredible that every single being capable of thought isnt entirely in catatonic awe 24/7 by the vast everythingness of the universe because i sure am

Society

I get anxious because I am so fucking dependent I am afraid that you didn’t text me back because you don’t like me and you don’t want to be my friend I don’t know if I annoyed you too much or I did something wrong, I’m afraid of letting any of that show it doesn't make sense for me to be so afraid of being alone, or to feel like it’s wrong for me to want anything different

I hate being alone so much how could I be content?

It sucks because I’m always online or watching tv or sleeping and I don’t have a hobby and I’m afraid I’m becoming less and shrinking by hiding away and it’s stressful being on tumblr because everyone needs to vent and argue and it’s no news to me at this point that I live in a society that is built on oppression (misogyny, cissexism, homophobia, transphobia, racism, classism, antiblackness, ableism, violence, patriarchy) and most people seem to like it that way and can’t see how horrible it is.

Am I fun?

I’ve been told a lot of times that I don’t know how to have fun. But what those people don’t understand is that my definition of fun is very different from theirs. They like going out with their friends and staying out late. My definition of fun is staying in my room and just being in my own world. People find that boring and sometimes a “depressing” setting, but honestly these are the things that make me happy. Being alone and in my own world. My idols give me more happiness than my friends do, and I’m so happy that my friends understand that. So to all those that told me that I’m “boring” or that “I don’t know how to have fun” I assure you, I’m having as much fun as you are (maybe even more) and please just think about your own life before trying to judge mine. 

Break

Life is crazy. But its okay, let it be crazy. This is the only time you can be reckless and love it.

Don’t be afraid to meet new people. Because of this I got to meet a group of amazing people that made me laugh and truly made this week the best spring break I’ve ever had.

Don’t ever forget about the ocean. Go and visit it every year. Its ridiculously beautiful and it made me realize that my heart is meant to travel this breathtaking world.

Spend as much time with your friends as you possibly can. Until you get so annoyed of them you want to kill them. Not really but really. 

Make inside jokes that no one understands. Those are the best.

Realize when you’re away from people you love you’ll miss them. Tremendously. And you think about them more than you thought you ever could (even though you believed this was impossible). It’s okay to miss someone. It’s also good to realize that you really do love them.

Make mistakes. Get burnt. Eat more than you should. Attempt to dance even though you suck at dancing. Scream until you lose your voice. Go to a foam party at 3 in the morning and stay up till 5 every night because you will sleep when you’re dead. Really though. Love life. Truly love it, because it will love you back. It always does.

Goodbye Spring break 2k14. You are one to remember always.

Dreams

Where I move to New York and open up a quaint little book store somewhere in Brooklyn. Its small but cozy and I love it. The walls are lined with vintage wooden bookshelves filled to the brim with every kind of book. There’s a second floor that I actually live in that’s just a big loft with smooth wooden floors and a window overlooking the street. Eventually the store gets busy enough that I decide to hire a couple employees. A guy comes in with a huge faux-hawk and tons of tattoos. He tells me he can’t find any place to hire him because of how he looks but I can tell he’s a cool guy and I hire him right away. There’s a girl from a small town who just moved to the big apple to try and fulfill her dream of becoming a Broadway star but is quickly running out of luck so I give her a chance.

Be happy

Eat yourself Happy: Choose to be Happy :)

Being happy is something we all dream of, something we all want… sometimes you’ll even hear people say that’s what they want for their future, well of course it is… being happy is the secret to life and success. I wouldn’t consider someone who has money as a successful person, I wouldn’t consider someone with an amazing job successful, a successful person in my eyes is someone who has found happiness in the life they are living.

 I feel bad sometimes because I deserved to be happy before I lost my weight, I truly did… weight shouldn’t define happiness, I didn’t allow myself to be happy because I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror, I didn’t allow myself to be happy because I was ashamed of myself, and I say sorry to that girl every single day, because she didn’t deserve that kind of hate I showed her. If anything, I feel bad that I didn’t know how to be happy, the choices I was making were a huge example of how I didn’t know how to control my own body.

Life

I’m sorry for everything I’ve done wrong. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for forgetting you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there when you needed me most. I’m sorry for blaming you. I’m sorry for not listening. I’m sorry for making things difficult. I’m sorry I wasn’t what you expected. I’m sorry I wasn’t what you deserved. I’m sorry I tried leaving everything behind with one final goodbye when I was needed here most. But I would never go back and change what happened. Because all of that made me who I am now. So that is my apology to everyone I’ve hurt in the past. And I may be sorry to you…but I’m not sorry that it all happened. Because then I’d be sorry for becoming the human being I've become. And I’d be a fool to be sorry for being who I am.

Home

Oh joy!
I'm heading home soon and I cannot wait! Home is six-hours away in good ole "Dumpa" Idaho, also known as Nampa. It brings sadness to my eyes to hear people who go home anytime they want and here I am, haven't been home since Winter break.
I'll be home soon though, with my family, dog and a couch.
I'll eat everything in sight, sleep all day, watch tv until my eyes bleed and not shower.
Sounds like a good time for this kid.

Some HP

There once was a boy named Harry destined to be a star. His parents were killed by Voldemort, who gave him a lightning scar.

Yo Harry! You're a wizard!

Harry goes to Hogwarts he meets Ron and Hermione. McGonagall requires he play for Gryffindor.

Draco is a Daddy's boy, Quirrell becomes unemployed. The sorcerer's stone is destroyed by Dumbledore.

Ron breaks his wand, now Ginny's gone and Harry's in Mortal danger.

Tom Riddle hides his snake inside his ginormous secret chamber.

Harry blows up Aunt Marge. The dementors come and take charge. Lupin is a wolf, the rat's a man and now the prisoner is at large.

Caffeine

One cup of coffee used to do the job, drink one in the morning and being fine the rest of the day. Oh the good ole days of high school.
Now I have issues, I have to drink at least three cups in order to make it through the day.
You can call it an addiction, but I call it... A lifestyle? Ha, who even knows brah.
I love coffee and soda and energy drinks. Ah fah.
If you're bored, watch this fun video. This is what happens when Red Bull drops off a crate full of Red Bull in front of DG on Greek Row. Disappeared in less than 10 minutes.

One shot.

There are times when I look back and realize that I've made it far. I am doing so much better than I did two years ago. Unfortunately, sometimes I think about going back but I always say no. 

But just recently I said yes. Recently I found myself in the same position I used to be in, I thought it was the worse thing possibly. Then I realized it's okay. It happens. 

Two years is a long time, but relapse is normal. That's what happens. I just need to realize that the last two years was a better time and place, and I'll get there. 

I'll step back and see my life, that it's okay to make mistakes. I can get back on my path.