5/2

We're hitting the end of the year, it's time for me to recap on some of the fun, yet bad moments.
Oh boy, my most memorable mistake was ending up with this fraternity guy who I literally despise but still always find him attracted in so many ways.
Basically, if we have the same music taste, I love you. It's funny how things like that are. I mean, you could treat me like utter complete shit and I could hate you on so many levels but you say you like hardcore and you're hipster, I'm yours.
Well on the bright side he is a junior so next year will be his last year. Then again he is supposed to gone on an internship and he still shows up every damn weekend.
He thinks I want a relationship so that's fun. Why do guys think that every girl they're with want to be in a relationship? I mean come on! He isn't that special.

5/1

Looking back on this year, since it's crazy to realize that it's just about over, it's weird to think that it is...
I came to college having no idea what is going to happen, I had this idea of who I would be at the end of the year and I am no where near to who I thought I would be.
I've made mistakes, I've made amazing friends, I've done pretty well in classes.
I had so many expectations to how I thought I would be...
When looking back, I keep thinking am I happy with who I became? That young newly graduated high school student was no where near to who I am now.
The stuff I wish I could tell her, she would have no idea how to respond.

4/30

Sexualizing people due to their sexuality is also problematic. The way our society works is that it either villainizes, or it sexualizes oppressed groups. WOC are oversexualized in the media we consume, and MOC are villainized. You can see it in our fandom too. You got every vanilla flavored villain on screen, and it’s still Scott and Deaton that get the most meta proclaiming how sketchy and vicious they are. The same thing works for sexual orientations. Bisexuals are villainized because they’re homewreckers and can’t make up their minds, while homosexual men and women are oversexualized.

By villainizing and sexualizing people, you fail to view them as a complete being. That’s how propaganda works. Women have been dealing with it for centuries, but it goes deeper than some white woman being pissed that a man doesn’t take her thoughts seriously. When I talk about my issue with slash fandom and their sexualization of homosexual men, I talk about my issue with sexualization. It doesn’t have to effect me specifically. If the issue exists, it is everyone’s issue. If you’re only bothered by things that specifically effect you, congratulations, you’re a white feminist.

4/29

I think there’s a vast world of complexity at the core of a lot of our problems, and the issues we deal with when we butt heads with literal strangers to us on the internet. Every person we interact with is at a different stage in their life, and they possess a different set of intelligence than us.

In a perfect world, that’d give us the motive to learn from other people without having to experience those things first hand, some of those things being impossible for us to experience first hand, due to certain attributes we are either born with or born with out.

The general rule on tumblr is that it’s okay to like problematic things, so long as you can stand back and acknowledge that there are problematic aspects in the things you like, regardless of the good shit in it too. It’s the blatant ignorance of the problematic aspects, to the point where you get offended when other people point them out, that causes the issues. Due to the way our society is designed, nearly every thing you like will have problematic aspects to them. Without the toxic history of our world, a lot of the problematic aspects in things wouldn’t exist, but we do have a toxic history, so those aspects do remain problematic.

4/28

It's funny how capital punishment is still such a debatable topic. There are so many arguments as to why it should be legal and why it shouldn't. If you add religion into the discussion you can argue that it is against the Bible that we can't take a life. You can argue that it's the only way to stop killers from killing again. Money is always an issue for tax payers and there are so many reasons to add to it. It's funny how things are though. Why let a convicted serial killer or child molester roam the streets? I mean when they serve parole, they really aren't promised to be kept there forever, good behavior man, it's a bitch. Let's just slice their neck open and pour the blood on a sorority's anchor.

Thank goodness no one actually reads this. Shit could go down if they do.

4/25

If you don’t feel some sort of admiration for Beyoncé, then there is something you are missing. I know, I know I’m joining in with a crowd of people chanting Beyoncé’s name now but this is different. I went to see her live in October, I wasn’t the biggest fan of her music I liked it, but never loved it. I knew that she would perform to the upmost standard but what struck me more than anything is how passionate she was about her music and women power. She is queen and she deserves to be called queen.

4/24

We cannot have a relationship which last long if we cannot handle others. We cannot be into a commitment if what we only think of is ourselves. We cannot be in a relationship full of immature acts. We should take relationships seriously. We should not take it as a joke. Relationships include stupidity, pain, happiness, hurt, anger and love. It affects our personality. It affects our lives. So if you are not mature enough to build a strong relationship, better not to enter one of it. We cannot always please our partner to have patience, we cannot always be the “boss” in a relationship. If we/you are in a relationship, we should not be self-centered, we should forget our own ego, we should forget our pride. Because if we let our pride take over our mind, we will not go beyond what we have today. Or we cannot have a relationship that is worthy.

4/23

Hi, I know I am not a perfect best friend for you. I don’t always treat you lunch, nor I am not the “easy-go-lucky” type. I am not always good-looking. I am just a girl who always have messy hair, not-so-good ambiance, or I am not physically attractive. Like what we always see in movies, I am the weird one and you’re the pretty and hot one. You’re the one who always have boys at your back. And I am just someone who look like your nanny. But you know what? I thank you so much for being there for me every time. I thank you for being the one who always offers their shoulder for me to cry on. Thank you for accepting me for who I am. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to have a friend like you. Thank you for being my best friend. My bests of all friends.

4/22

Everytime I find the perfect man, no one can compare to him. I need to stop trying, he isn't perfect. No guy is.

Dear Me,

Stop waiting for the perfect boy. Stop waiting for your dream guy. He will not come, he is not here either. There’s no such thing as fairy tale and happy endings. There’s no such thing as once upon a time and prince charming. Your life isn’t a book or a novel which give us fantasies. Your life isn’t a 80s movie which drift us away from reality. If you push him away, he’ll not come back. Stop expecting that you’ll be treated as a princess. Stop expecting that your life will be full of happy moments and good ending. Be realistic. Stop assuming and expecting.

4/19

I care about everything. I care about how you feel, and what you hate. I may not show it, but when you’re hurting, I’m hurting. I get so upset when I think that I could have caused you any grief. I’m so proud of you. For everything. I’m Sorry that I’m irrational, exasperating, and completely out of my mind sometimes. I apologize. I want you to know that I need you, yet I find myself trying so hard to make you see how amazing you are, how you could do so much better than me, you deserve someone more whole than me, yet you stay…and that means more than you could ever know. Could it really be love?

4/18

I’m laying here thinking, hoping really, that I am enough. I hope I’m enough for you, because I’ve fallen deeper in love than I thought I ever could. I’ve realized that love isn't fairy tales and flowers; it’s snorting with laughter and hiccuping with tears. Love is funny like that. Sometimes, I’m completely frustrated with your lack of words, but then I look at you with your sleepy eyes like tonight, protesting the moment that I had to leave, and I feel it. That feeling that I get every time I get a chance to look at you, really look at you with your golden eyelashes, it’s a mixture of joy and curiosity. I’m happy that I can call you mine, but curious as to whether you feel the same, because love is wondering what’s going on in your head, but really never finding out. It’s tight hugs when I feel like I’ve been beaten beyond repair. It’s maybe doing something just to make the other person happy, or being able to rant. Rant about nothing, everything, cheese Danishes, who cares?! I care. 

4/17

My brother and I, though two opposite sexes and body shapes, look scarily alike. If I were a boy I’m pretty sure I would just be a skinnier version of the goofy big brother I adore so much. Not every sibling duo is like this but I personally know many that are. Maybe I have a keen eye for catching subtle differences or maybe animators really were being lazy! I’m just super tired of everyone bashing this movie because it was splendid and made me feel like having depression and anxiety is not something that should control me.

There is so much good to this movie that I despise that people are getting hooked to all the bad.

4/16

I thought this was a fantastic female morale boosting movie that had all sorts of lovely elements from previous Disney films mashed into one. But many people don’t care and all just want to complain about the character designs. PS. Elsa and Anna are NOT exactly the same.

Besides the differing hair color, eye color, dress, and hairstyles, these girls have unique faces that at first glance do seem frighteningly similar. But look closer. Our cute little Anna has a darker complexion, freckles, and what’s this? A chubbier face, longer chin, rounder, perkier nose, higher and thicker brows, different eye shape, and different lip location than her sister. Anna’s face is generally more baby shaped than her sister’s who is, by the way, only three years older! Yes, I am disappointed one of these ladies didn’t get their father’s fabulous nose, but they do have individual characteristics. Remember Elsa and Anna are sister’s only three years apart. Tops.

4/15

But you know what, even though you hurt me. Even though you don’t appreciate me or maybe you don’t know me anymore, I still miss you. I miss everything about you. I miss how you call me our endearments sweetly, I miss your sweet messages, your being over-protective, your kisses, I miss everything about us. I hope and pray we’ll still be together, forever.
It's time to walk away and find someone better. One day I'll be able to remember everything and not be hurt by it, but until then I'll just have to live in my imaginary world and attempt to fall in love with someone else.

4/14

I’m afraid of everything now. We’ve gone to the point where the two of us is starting to fall out of love. I’m afraid we’ll soon part ways, I’m afraid you’ll leave me. I know I’m being too selfish if I say I’m hurt because I know I am not the only one hurt. I hope this pain will give us the chance to realize what we’ve been through, what we promised each other.

We changed for change is an inevitable thing. We do not send each other long and sweet messages anymore. We do not do late night conversations. We don’t usually talk ‘bout things. We aren’t sweet anymore. The two of us transformed from being the sweetest couple everyone will be envious of, to a relationship everyone is afraid to have. 

My morning

Today was lovely. I went to the arb with my friend and his dog and we sat there for an hour. I wanted to stay longer but it was beginning to get really cold. A couple of things happened. I saw the beautiful scenery, although it's a tad dry. But it still made me really happy. And there was this guy who passed me. He was running but when he saw me he stopped and said : “hi don’t you think it’s a bit cold to just sit there?”
I replied: ” no i like it”
Him: ok.
And there was a cat who was looking at my dog and I don’t know but my dog got kind of scared so I tried to scare the cat away but it didn't work. So I tried again and the cat ran away. I felt so mean because I really love cats. But besides that, i had a nice day.

My generation

I can’t wait until our generation has grown up and knows to never question teenagers about college or plans for the future.
I look at my generation and sometimes things the world is fucked. But then I realize that we're going into this world with many of the same perspectives. We'll hope to not treat our children like we were.
I'll let my child take as long as they want to figure out they're life. We have all of the time in the world, why rush? 
We're only here for a short time, I don't see a reason why we should all hate the present and stress about the future and dwell on the past.
I'm 19 years old and don't even know what I want to do, yeah I have dreams but so does everybody.

Trust

I’m absolutely terrified of letting people in. I’m absolutely terrified of being vulnerable to someone. Giving someone the ability to make you the happiest and the most miserable is a scary thought. They don’t understand how “trusting” someone is more than just a word for me. You’re giving someone the power to make you feel absolutely empty and worthless, and that truly scares me the most.
There's times in my day where I want to tell people in my house the issues I faced, the ones where I put in the back of my head locked up in a safe.
But then I worry that they will judge or who knows, you feel so empty when that happens. I will forever be worried of who I tell my secrets to.

Love

When you know you are absolutely perfect for someone and you over hear them saying the things they want in a girl and you fit every thing they say. 
But they don’t know you. They will never know how well you could work and so you sit there and watch them fall in love and fall apart over and over again knowing that you are they only one who can fit.
Or once you get to know that person and you know in your heart that you two could last forever but they only tell you that when they're drunk. They focus too much on what they are already into and won't see other possibilities because they can't hurt someone. 
Love is such a horrible and lovely thing. 
One day I'll find my true love who sees me just how I see them.
One day.

Books

My 3rd grade teacher once told me to read the books that are the the most damaged on the outside because you can tell by the damage its been read by a lot of people, and there’s usually a great story on the inside. 
This advice hasn't failed me yet.
Especially when researching. I definitely enjoy picking up the oldest book on the subject, it may be out of date but when comparing an old and new, it brings smiles to my face.
When picking up the oldest book on Theodore Roosevelt in the University's library, I glanced at the last time it was checked out. The poor guy hasn't been checked out in over 30 years, he's been forgotten.
It's interesting because when I see this happen, I get the urge to check the book out, whether I want to read it or not, I just don't like seeing them be forgotten.
Books are definitely people, we all need some lovin' every once in a while. 

College

College has definitely been filled with some interesting things. Sometimes it's hard to find the balance between school, my sorority and my social life. I've learned the hard way of balancing, from going to class so hungover that I might has well be still drunk to deciding not to even go to class. But from last semester, I've learned what to prioritize and what to forget. I feel pretty proud of myself as I figured things out. I no longer go out on the week days and keep the drinking on the weekends to a minimum. Staying in, it's my new way of living.

Life

Learning from my mistakes has definitely been a thing I've been doing lately. My first quarter was interesting, since I was on the struggle bus with figuring out the life triangle. Some of my mistakes have been catching up to me, while others I can simply ignore. I'm the type of person that usually doesn't let things bother me, but when I hurt people on accident, I struggle. I try to  do everything I can to fix things but sometimes you just can't. Sometimes you have to learn from it and move on, it may be hard and unfortunately that person may never forgive you, but just keep your head up, know in your heart that you're sorry and move on. It'll be hard but I know I can do it, I know I'm sorry and maybe one day I'll be able to apologize but until then, just keep my head up and be me.

Looking nice

Why does everyone always hate on people for trying to look nice? Yeah, I get it, you don’t care about what you look like and that’s fine, but don’t judge us for wanting to dress nicely. 

I’m not hating on you for having messy hair, sweatpants, and no makeup, but let me and others wear nice clothes, style our hair, and dress in a way that we like. What I wear makes me feel good about myself. if you can dress comfortably and feel great about yourself, do it. 

But don’t hate on me for wanted to dress nicely to like what I look like.

4/1

Okay so I agree with the “Bitches Get Stuff Done” sentiment in general, because it’s empowering and it’s allowing women already in positions of power to feel more secure and less anxious about appeasing ridiculous patriarchal expectations.

HOWEVER

There’s an issue I have with it that I’ve yet to see anyone address. The term “bitch” when applied to a person is defined as “a spiteful or unpleasant woman.” The problem that currently exists, that this campaign is attempting to correct, is that people who are being directed or reprimanded by women are erroneously using it to mean “an assertive woman who doesn’t allow your shit to phase her.” By allowing and even condoning this definition, it’s relieving the people who use it of wrong-doing instead of pulling them up on their crap, while simultaneously encouraging those to whom it is applied to be spiteful and unpleasant.

This leads to workplaces in which a bunch of immature manchildren are hating on their female boss, a female boss is liberated from the expectation of cordiality, and a remainder of actually mature coworkers are caught in the crossfire, and none of this is a healthy environment for any of these people to be working in.

It does go beyond the cubicle farms. The same problem occurs in literally every scenario in which “bitch” is applied to someone. The only way to fix the issue is to condemn the word and those who use it.

Famous People

This notion that conventionally attractive people, that people who are thin and beautiful by society’s standards, that FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO ARE CONSTANTLY IN THE PUBLIC EYE, aren’t subject to the very standards of beauty they’re measured by, makes no sense to me. The idea that a person in possession of conventional beauty is not allowed to have low self-esteem when they’re inundated by the same images and words we all are at all times. That these people can’t make jokes or react with their gut because it “influences young girls” is outrageous. Influences young girls to what? Defend themselves if someone’s making fun of them? Be angry about the way their bodies are talked about? Who knows. If Liam is your young girl’s role model, then I don’t know. It’s a flimsy pillar to have if it can be knocked down by things like this. The news cuts off the heads of fat people walking down the street and shows the footage of it at dinnertime. The news is everywhere every day.

Learning

It’s taken me years to learn and unlearn the things I know, college classes and articles and documentaries and discussions and lectures. Maybe this is also a privilege in and of itself, but I cannot fault a person I care about for being unlearned. If it were a stranger at the mall calling me a fat bitch, it’d be different. Them’s fighting words ALL DAY!!!!!! But I care about Liam, and I feel that I know enough about him to understand why he would say the things he’s said, why he would come to the conclusions he does, and why he’s upset about the things he is upset about. Does a beautiful, young, able-bodied, white, straight little boy with millions of dollars need empathy over you or me? I don’t know. But I think it’s unfair to give him no empathy at all. I care about him because he’s a part of my fandom, something that’s deeply personal to me. I worry about what happens to him

Liam Cont.

Continuing my rant from yesterday...Second of all, I didn’t even know until a few years ago that you could be fat and living life, you know? I thought there were only 2 options: thin or ashamed. I didn’t know you could be okay, even happy with being fat until I went on the internet and found out there was a community for that line of thinking. There’s no way I would ever expect Liam Payne to know any of this.

This is a personal choice, but I can’t fault Liam for not knowing things. We all know the only thing he’s read for the past 4 years of his life has been his twitter feed. Can you imagine what his twitter feed is, O LORD? CAN YOU? We all know he don’t know nothin about no one nohow. He doesn’t know where Japan is, but I’m sure he understands the connotations behind the phrase “family values”. He doesn’t know that comedic is a word, but I’m sure he understands the complexities of building up a positive body image. Yes, of course. Totally for sure. I think it’s unfair, with my knowledge of who I presume Liam Payne to be based upon his well-documented and widely-shared life experiences, to put the responsibility of knowing everything there is to know about being caring and sensitive to others on his shoulders. I think it’s unfair to expect perfection from him. I think it’s unfair to put him on such a high pedastal and to make him a pillar of your life and to turn around get angry at him when he doesn’t meet your unrealistic expectations of what it is to be a human being. I think it’s unfair to declare that he doesn’t need or deserve help just because he’s privileged in certain areas.

Dreaming

One day I stop and get coffee from a street vendor around the corner from the store and we slowly fall in love. We fight and bicker but we love each other. After weeks of bickering I finally convince him to move in with me above the store and after a while he proposes. We have a small wedding somewhere secluded with our closest friends and honeymoon in a log cabin just us for a few days. Years pass and we decide to make two big leaps at once. We buy out the shop next door and expand the bookstore to include a cafe while also looking into adoption. We being home an adorable kid and try to raise them the best we can. With the store, my friends, my love, and my child/children the years just keep adding up. I’m not happy all day everyday but I am happy everyday.

Laim

I know there are people out there who are angry with Liam for making a fat joke or for being insulted at being called fat because being fat isn’t a joke or, as our scout motto goes, FAT IS NOT AN INSULT!!! Well, anything is an insult if you say it the right way.

First of all, fat jokes make me LOL. I make fat jokes all the time. It’s a defense mechanism, the old CALL ATTENTION TO IT BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE DOES trick. I’ve been fat my whole life and I learned to make jokes as a way to survive within myself. We all make jokes about the way we look - you post a selfie and say you look like a pasty fish belly, that you look like you showered in hot dog water, that your undereye circles are black holes to the abyss, etc. We make jokes about our own appearances. If I make a joke about the way I look, am I also making a joke about the way you look? The way everyone looks? Was Liam making a joke about himself? Or was he making a joke about you? I guess that’s for to you decide, but for me, I’ll allow it. It doesn’t hurt my feelings, but I can understand if it hurts yours.

Sexuality

When a friend confides in me about their sexuality and clearly aren’t anywhere near ready to be open about their sexual preferences, I keep it to my fucking self. I don’t even mention them anonymously on the internet, because I respect people’s private lives, their struggle with sexuality/gender identity, and the fact that when someone confides in me in regards to something so personal, they expect me to keep my damn mouth shut about it.

And shame on you if you think telling quirky stories about your “closeted friend” could serve as a great ice breaker or popular text post on the internet.

Humans

Most of the time i think a lot about just the complete and utter improbability of human existence
like, humans literally started out with nothing, no matter what religion you are or what your theories of evolution are, but look at how far we've come we are literally on the brink of discovering new technology that could completely revolutionize human interactions or human exploration in just what a span of however many thousands of years you believe it to be.
And yet despite all this we still have a lot of hate, a lot of war, a lot of hunger and poverty
at any moment the entirety of the human race could be annihilated in a nuclear holocaust, but the most important thing is “fuck, i forgot my homework again!” or “oh man I’m a minute late to work my boss is gonna kill me.”
Somehow I just find it incredible that every single being capable of thought isnt entirely in catatonic awe 24/7 by the vast everythingness of the universe because i sure am

Society

I get anxious because I am so fucking dependent I am afraid that you didn’t text me back because you don’t like me and you don’t want to be my friend I don’t know if I annoyed you too much or I did something wrong, I’m afraid of letting any of that show it doesn't make sense for me to be so afraid of being alone, or to feel like it’s wrong for me to want anything different

I hate being alone so much how could I be content?

It sucks because I’m always online or watching tv or sleeping and I don’t have a hobby and I’m afraid I’m becoming less and shrinking by hiding away and it’s stressful being on tumblr because everyone needs to vent and argue and it’s no news to me at this point that I live in a society that is built on oppression (misogyny, cissexism, homophobia, transphobia, racism, classism, antiblackness, ableism, violence, patriarchy) and most people seem to like it that way and can’t see how horrible it is.

Am I fun?

I’ve been told a lot of times that I don’t know how to have fun. But what those people don’t understand is that my definition of fun is very different from theirs. They like going out with their friends and staying out late. My definition of fun is staying in my room and just being in my own world. People find that boring and sometimes a “depressing” setting, but honestly these are the things that make me happy. Being alone and in my own world. My idols give me more happiness than my friends do, and I’m so happy that my friends understand that. So to all those that told me that I’m “boring” or that “I don’t know how to have fun” I assure you, I’m having as much fun as you are (maybe even more) and please just think about your own life before trying to judge mine. 

Break

Life is crazy. But its okay, let it be crazy. This is the only time you can be reckless and love it.

Don’t be afraid to meet new people. Because of this I got to meet a group of amazing people that made me laugh and truly made this week the best spring break I’ve ever had.

Don’t ever forget about the ocean. Go and visit it every year. Its ridiculously beautiful and it made me realize that my heart is meant to travel this breathtaking world.

Spend as much time with your friends as you possibly can. Until you get so annoyed of them you want to kill them. Not really but really. 

Make inside jokes that no one understands. Those are the best.

Realize when you’re away from people you love you’ll miss them. Tremendously. And you think about them more than you thought you ever could (even though you believed this was impossible). It’s okay to miss someone. It’s also good to realize that you really do love them.

Make mistakes. Get burnt. Eat more than you should. Attempt to dance even though you suck at dancing. Scream until you lose your voice. Go to a foam party at 3 in the morning and stay up till 5 every night because you will sleep when you’re dead. Really though. Love life. Truly love it, because it will love you back. It always does.

Goodbye Spring break 2k14. You are one to remember always.

Dreams

Where I move to New York and open up a quaint little book store somewhere in Brooklyn. Its small but cozy and I love it. The walls are lined with vintage wooden bookshelves filled to the brim with every kind of book. There’s a second floor that I actually live in that’s just a big loft with smooth wooden floors and a window overlooking the street. Eventually the store gets busy enough that I decide to hire a couple employees. A guy comes in with a huge faux-hawk and tons of tattoos. He tells me he can’t find any place to hire him because of how he looks but I can tell he’s a cool guy and I hire him right away. There’s a girl from a small town who just moved to the big apple to try and fulfill her dream of becoming a Broadway star but is quickly running out of luck so I give her a chance.

Be happy

Eat yourself Happy: Choose to be Happy :)

Being happy is something we all dream of, something we all want… sometimes you’ll even hear people say that’s what they want for their future, well of course it is… being happy is the secret to life and success. I wouldn’t consider someone who has money as a successful person, I wouldn’t consider someone with an amazing job successful, a successful person in my eyes is someone who has found happiness in the life they are living.

 I feel bad sometimes because I deserved to be happy before I lost my weight, I truly did… weight shouldn’t define happiness, I didn’t allow myself to be happy because I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror, I didn’t allow myself to be happy because I was ashamed of myself, and I say sorry to that girl every single day, because she didn’t deserve that kind of hate I showed her. If anything, I feel bad that I didn’t know how to be happy, the choices I was making were a huge example of how I didn’t know how to control my own body.

Life

I’m sorry for everything I’ve done wrong. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for forgetting you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there when you needed me most. I’m sorry for blaming you. I’m sorry for not listening. I’m sorry for making things difficult. I’m sorry I wasn’t what you expected. I’m sorry I wasn’t what you deserved. I’m sorry I tried leaving everything behind with one final goodbye when I was needed here most. But I would never go back and change what happened. Because all of that made me who I am now. So that is my apology to everyone I’ve hurt in the past. And I may be sorry to you…but I’m not sorry that it all happened. Because then I’d be sorry for becoming the human being I've become. And I’d be a fool to be sorry for being who I am.

Home

Oh joy!
I'm heading home soon and I cannot wait! Home is six-hours away in good ole "Dumpa" Idaho, also known as Nampa. It brings sadness to my eyes to hear people who go home anytime they want and here I am, haven't been home since Winter break.
I'll be home soon though, with my family, dog and a couch.
I'll eat everything in sight, sleep all day, watch tv until my eyes bleed and not shower.
Sounds like a good time for this kid.

Some HP

There once was a boy named Harry destined to be a star. His parents were killed by Voldemort, who gave him a lightning scar.

Yo Harry! You're a wizard!

Harry goes to Hogwarts he meets Ron and Hermione. McGonagall requires he play for Gryffindor.

Draco is a Daddy's boy, Quirrell becomes unemployed. The sorcerer's stone is destroyed by Dumbledore.

Ron breaks his wand, now Ginny's gone and Harry's in Mortal danger.

Tom Riddle hides his snake inside his ginormous secret chamber.

Harry blows up Aunt Marge. The dementors come and take charge. Lupin is a wolf, the rat's a man and now the prisoner is at large.

Caffeine

One cup of coffee used to do the job, drink one in the morning and being fine the rest of the day. Oh the good ole days of high school.
Now I have issues, I have to drink at least three cups in order to make it through the day.
You can call it an addiction, but I call it... A lifestyle? Ha, who even knows brah.
I love coffee and soda and energy drinks. Ah fah.
If you're bored, watch this fun video. This is what happens when Red Bull drops off a crate full of Red Bull in front of DG on Greek Row. Disappeared in less than 10 minutes.

One shot.

There are times when I look back and realize that I've made it far. I am doing so much better than I did two years ago. Unfortunately, sometimes I think about going back but I always say no. 

But just recently I said yes. Recently I found myself in the same position I used to be in, I thought it was the worse thing possibly. Then I realized it's okay. It happens. 

Two years is a long time, but relapse is normal. That's what happens. I just need to realize that the last two years was a better time and place, and I'll get there. 

I'll step back and see my life, that it's okay to make mistakes. I can get back on my path.

Days

Some days I dread the mornings. While others I dread the nights.

I'll wake up on some mornings, feel refreshed and eager for the night, usually a weekend. Then sometimes I wish the night will never end while others I want to end as soon as possible.

Weekdays on the other hand, I tend to dread the nights, knowing that once I sleep I'll wake up for the next day and it's a pretty simple routine.

It's funny how days go. You're really never satisfied for any day, mostly because you know it will happen every day.

What happens if there's one morning where it doesn't? Isn't there a reason why we call the present the present?

A simple rose

As I was sitting in my room, by myself since all of my roommates were at class and I had the day off. My Big, Anna, arrived through the door with a rose and I was like "Ooh, who's it from?" And she replied with "Theta Chi was giving them out." 

Their message on the rose was to tell every woman on campus that no matter what, they are beautiful. I know from my Big giving me one, it made my day just a little brighter. 

These are reasons why I enjoy smiling through the hallways, saying hello to random people every once in a while, because I know just a simple thing can truly make someone's day better. 

Speeches

I love to talk but of course when it's front of people I get nervous and shake a ton.

Hopefully from taking comm I'll learn a lot and lean to calm the fuck down. I freak out about the littlest of speeches unless it's fir a presentation. But in the end I can only improve.

Of course I just had a speech. I think I get nervous about telling my life since I'm not open to expressing a whole lot of my life and forget annoy things.

Mornings

My day started off with waking up at the usual eight in the morning. Even though I don't have class until eleven-thirty, I like to drink a cup of coffee and watch an episode of Doctor Who for a good hour. Then slowly get ready.

It's pretty relaxing since I have two hours to get dressed and ready for class.

But if there are times where I feel like sleeping in, I know I have an hour or two to waste for sleeping.

It's a pretty good routine.

Then off to class I go! Where I learn some stuff and dread Comm.

Oh Monday morning, no bueno.

A relief.

From time to time, my responsibilities lack. There are times where I just don't feel like doing absolutely anything and I fail. That definitely happened last week. Having only two classes, both on Tuesday and Thursday, I struggled to find any motivation to go to class and do work. Everything slipped my mind. Luckily there were no huge assignments and I think I did pretty okay on my test. I own up to it and hope I don't make the same mistakes again.

But in the end, a break was seriously needed.

All Monsters Are Human

American Horror Story.

A show that's so intense, horrific, weird, and awesome. 

Everyone on Tumblr always talks about this show and I decided that it was on Netflix so I might as well just watch it. And of course I fell in love with it.

The way this show perceives life and horrible events. I can't even fathom it. Like for the image, "all monsters are humans" it's when the teenage girl in the first season is trying to express to the dead teenage boy, Tate, that he is a monster but his come back is all monsters are humans. 

We are the monsters, we create destruction, we begin war, we live in a hateful world. It would be nice to say that we live in a peaceful world and war is necessary but in the end, it's destruction.  

Reminiscing on some old jams

The other day, I decided to check the ancient site of Myspace (it's still around). I wanted to see if I would still be interested in the music I used to listen to. Guess what, I still love it. I totally forgot about a few bands, and many songs. 

It's been so long, I used to listen to Cute Is What We Aim For, Augustana, The Academy Is..., and so many more back in the day. Well like five years ago but you get the point. 

These were the bands that helped get me through some hard times and helped me celebrate some great times. 

I don't think I'll ever forget these bands ever again, I even wrote them down. They will always be in my heart and in my ears.

“There is an engine in my body. With every beat, it lets me breathe. There is a machine within my body. If I can keep up with that machine that’s in my body, I can do anything. Be anything, Say anything. I can feel the beat within my body.”

—	Cute Is What We Aim For — Do What You Do

Keegs

There has always been one thing I've always wanted to be, it had to happen before I died. Which was, become an aunt. I always knew I wanted to be there for someone and show him or her the ways of life, and be the cool aunt that would help them be crazy, but with a tad of responsibility I suppose.

This little kid, Keegan, was born in September with some issues but being the champ he is, he made it through and is laughing and making tons of fun faces. He's such a joy.

He's mainly the reason why I get homesick since I can't see him progress through his day. I always look forward to see him.

I know he'll be an awesome kid when he gets older. He shall be a stud, and his cool aunt will help and be an amazing role model.

No drugs Keegs.

Oh Hallows Eve

I love looking back at pictures that I took with some amazing people. For instance, this picture. It was Halloween night, probably about the fifth time I went out, it was a blast.

We went to about five apartments, one we got kicked out of, this one was the last one I believe. Me all snazzed up in a nerd outfit with a little fun, certainly meant I was on a mission to have a good time, which is exactly what happened. I successfully had a great night that night, and met an amazing person.

 Oh the joy. We played so many fun games, relived some moments.

Of course it wasn't just us, there were other people and we all hung out and a great time.

Life

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if things were stressful. Like if college was so much more at ease, tests were no big deal and finals were pretty much as easy as breathing. Lately, assignments have been pretty simple, tedious, but simple. I just hate doing them. But if I don't do them, I can't get a good grade. I won't be able to graduate or if I do I won't be able to go to grad school. Then I'll end up living off the system or being homeless. Then I'll amount to nothing and be no one. Oh how life is. So stressfull and hard.

Being sick

See, being sick at home is fine. You're able to lock yourself in your room, come out every once in a while and sleep all day (usually because you're in high school and it's much easier to stay at home and just do everything you needed to do the next day). Well in college, you should go to class even when you're dying of the black plague. It sucks, but it's what you have to do to. All last semester I would skip class because I felt like it and this semester it frightened me to miss class because I was actually sick and could barely get out of bed. Oh how times have changed. Well now I got out of bed for one class, just one, and that's English. I have to get out f bed for an 11:30 class, pray it ends early and go back to bed. That's the game plan.

Merr.

Oh the good ole days. The days that were worry free and I felt accomplished just for smiling. Of course I don't remember when this picture was taken, well really the moment it occurred. I just see myself smiling with a tacky headband, a dress with annoying polka dot, a chair that seems pretty rough and why the hell is that balloon facing that direction? Like was the photographer even paying attention?! I was a cute baby, dammmnn. Those days were oh so simple. Didn't even know the world revolved around the son, for all I know, I thought it revolved around that big ass balloon. Like seriously, that balloon is like two-times my size, that isn't normal. But oh wells.

The life of a baby...

Bigs!

Bigs: In a sorority or fraternity, a big is given to an individual who is then a little. Someone who watches over their little like a big sister or brother.

I am lucky to have both!

My Big, Anna, is a fellow Kappa Delta like me. She is very small and so much fun. She is truly the best Big and I am lucky she is mine she takes care of me, talks to me, we live together.

As for my guy Big, Scott, he is a Phi Kappa Tau. Him and I were drunk and along with the other girl, a girl in my house. We all decided to be a family and he became our Big. He is truly another amazing person I am grateful to have in my life. He also takes me and he's a great person to talk to.

I have awesome Bigs!

Stairs and Ice

I literally have the worst luck imaginable.

 I for some reason started crying on Saturday night about some guy and decided it was best to run out of the house to another fraternity. Well because I was running and there was snow on the ground, I ended up falling down a flight of stairs. Oh boy did it hurt. It still hurts days after. I don't like it. I am bruised from my neck to the back of my thighs.

Then later I thought I could walk on ice without worry, nope, turns out I can't. I ended up falling. So I decided to just sit there and think about my life for about five minutes. It was a pretty painful night.

Looking back

It's crazy to think that I'm out of high school and now in college.

As I look back at graduation I realize it technically never hit me. I went about my day like nothing was important, just dreading the family dinner afterwards since my parents absolutely despise each other and I knew it was not going to be a good time.

I went tough rehearsal just thinking about food and possibly finding some sort of entertainment for this horrible event. Pretty sure I should have been drunk. It would have made everything better.

Graduation came, I walked down the stupid walk way in the Idaho Center and just dreaded it. With my last name starting with an R, I knew I had to sit there for an hour or two.

Oh graduation,  how I barely remember you and only remember how much I despised ya. Now I'm in college and don't give two fucks. #Yolo bitch.

Looking at the bright side

Lately I've been trying to look at the bright side of life. I used to live such a depressed and negative lifestyle that it really affected me. I started getting depressed just last week and told myself that I couldn't let myself be like that again, I am two years cleans, I won't go down that road again. So I just decided to change my way of thinking, positive moods only, I think I'm doing so much better. Although everyone around me thinks I'm being cheesy and dumb, I at least look at my wrists and know that I don't care how cheesy I am, I'm happy and I'm going to stay this way damn it. It's crazy looking back at where I used to be, looking at how depressed and suicidal I was, never thinking I would have made it this far. I'm so happy that I've done it. I'm so happy that I made it this far and am capable of changing my ways. I'm proud of myself.

Health!

I've decided to live a new lifestyle, working out. I used to do it all of the time, not really to lose weight but to just feel better about myself and I am loving it! I've only started doing it this week but I'm already feeling so much better. I love the intensity and although it's gross but I do love sweating. I'm laughing because I'm already sore but oh well. That means it's working! I decided what helps is working out while watching Doctor Who since i get so distracted and do well at keeping up my pace. I love it. I look like a ratchet but oh well, at least I'm working out!

Blackfish

Sunday morning, I decided before I started my day maybe I should watch a documentary, like why not? I decided to watch Blackfish, a documentary about orca whales and the trainers in SeaWorld. I remember when I was six-years old, I went to San Antonio with my family and went to see this theme park filled with majestic, wild sea creatures that I have never seen before. I was blown by the sea lions and their amazing skills at balancing a ball on their nose, the way the dolphins felt and the largeness of the orca whales. We went on a tour and I remembered getting told that they lived to about 35 years in captivity, supposedly longer than in the wild and their flopped over fins was how it was supposed to be. Which is absolute bull shit. According to the documentary and research, orcas can live up to one-hundred years old in the wild with their back fin straight up and pointy. How could a company treat these animals like that? Then hide it from the trainers and the public. With over seventy injuries to the trainers and about well over ten deaths... It's so unbelievable. How would we like it if we were in a bathtub for twenty years? Forced to entertain and be away from our families...

Decisions

It's interesting how even the smallest decision you make can impact everything in your life. You think, oh maybe I'll walk this way to class instead of the usual or eat this carrot instead of a jolly rancher. They are such little things but maybe I could meet the love of my life by going somewhere else and maybe I can start losing weight. It's so weird. I used to think changing my major would play a larger impact in my life but really it's all the same. I'm starting to feel so careful about the decisions I make in life. I used to be so much more laid back and just let life take me on it's magical carpet ride, now I'm so nervous about what I say and what I do. I miss my old attitude. But making some of the decisions that I made ruined my chance with an amazing person. I hate how that plays such a large impact but I can't just be okay with everything I do anymore, I need to be careful. I have to.

History 102

History, the subject I love so much, after all, I am a history major. I'm supposed to enjoy going to this course, enjoy what I learn. But no, I literally despise it. This course is so ridiculous, I'm wasting my money. I haven't learned anything, literally on Friday all I did was learn how to cite, this is fucking history not English. I am so pissed. We're supposed to write a movie review on a movie that we watched in class. But the problem is that he couldn't even figure out how to plug in the sound so we had to watch it without even hearing it. Therefore we were already getting lost on what was going on. It was ridiculous, so a lot of us just got up and left. I wasn't going to waste my time on a movie that I can't even hear. We haven't learned anything on the movie and the historical event. It is so fucking stupid. I wanted to drop it but I need the credits.

Never alone

I always thought living with three other people would be a horrific thing. Being so close to these people, not having space. Oh boy, was I wrong. I moved in with this crazy and messy girl, my Big who is just as messy as the other and this random girl who I never met and was just accepted into our house. I am so happy to live with my Big, we're so much closer than before and she is such an amazing and intelligent woman. The crazy lady is fantastic, I can never be bored with her little-too-touchy attitude with an amazing spunk and pizzazz. Then the random girl, she ended up being one of my best friends who we hang out together all of the time and she's so much fun. Roommates, heaven or hell? I guess I was I lucky, but oh so happy :)

Successful!

Success. A word that I have forgotten what it feels like to be successful. I forgot what it took to succeed and oh how I forgot what it feels like. I applied for three positions in my house, not sure how it would play out but I knew I was active and I knew I had what it took to handle the responsibilities. Because of my amazing roommates and fellow sisters, I decided to apply for all three and stick with a positive attitude. End up finding out that I received all three and even received the "On the ball" award for pushing myself further than any of the other girls that applied for the positions. Oh boy, this feeling is great. I have great plans and I can't wait to do an amazing job on all three. I got this.

One mistake, two mistakes, oh boy another.

Learning from my mistakes has definitely been a thing I've been doing lately. My first quarter was interesting, since I was on the struggle bus with figuring out the life triangle. Some of my mistakes have been catching up to me, while others I can simply ignore. I'm the type of person that usually doesn't let things bother me, but when I hurt people on accident, I struggle. I try to  do everything I can to fix things but sometimes you just can't. Sometimes you have to learn from it and move on, it may be hard and unfortunately that person may never forgive you, but just keep your head up, know in your heart that you're sorry and move on. It'll be hard but I know I can do it, I know I'm sorry and maybe one day I'll be able to apologize but until then, just keep my head up and be me.

Whattan' experience

College has definitely been filled with some interesting things. Sometimes it's hard to find the balance between school, my sorority and my social life. I've learned the hard way of balancing, from going to class so hungover that I might has well be still drunk to deciding not to even go to class. But from last semester, I've learned what to prioritize and what to forget. I feel pretty proud of myself as I figured things out. I no longer go out on the week days and keep the drinking on the weekends to a minimum. Staying in, it's my new way of living.

Southern Belles and Drug Cartels

Syllabus week, a week filled with pointless assignments and alcohol everywhere on Greek row. Sadly it was only three days, but my liver thanks whoever decided that. A group of girls in my house and I decided to go to Beta's Southern Belles and Drug Carters, just because it rhymes doesn't mean it works. Anyways, we took the Southern Belles part as a classy motherfucker. We dressed fancy and dang we looked fantastic. We got to Beta, after pregaming, and I was having the time of my life. Well I was the only drunk one but hey, it worked. I was socializing and drinking and dancing, in high wedges may I add, and it was fun! Well later I was like I'm going to talk to this kid who's handing out free beer, we easily became friends, so I thought, I guess I pretty much only said hi, oh well, we made it and it was fun. Then he told me I was a good kisser, so hey, look at me and my awesomeness at kissing. Well needless to say I let that get to my head and made out with apparently seven guys. I had fun and met some nice fellas. It worked. Horrible hangover the next day, but hey, it was a good time.